Breaking Up Without Breaking Down
4:39:00 PM
I believe that there is a misconception regarding breakups. When someone is broken up with, we often tend to pity and feel sorry for them, but I think what we forget is that breaking up with someone isn't at all easy either. It has been almost a year since my last relationship ended and after nearly four years of being together, it was probably one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make. Nothing about the process made it easy and I had no intentions of hurting anyone, but if I were to wait any longer, I'd only be lying to myself and to him.
It isn't easy letting go of someone you love and usually you never stop caring about them, despite what might have happened. So I have put together a list of some things that have helped me get through it, and decided to share it with anyone out there who may be going through a similar situation.
*Sometimes the right choice isn't always the easy one. Stay strong and stay true.
*Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
1. Don't fight your feelings.
A breakup is painful because it represents not just the loss of a relationship but also a best friend, shared dreams, and commitments. This person has become a big part of your life, and that isn't easy to forget. You were both comfortable and attached to one another, and very often we tend to stick with what we are comfortable with. But it's important to remember to not confuse comfort with happiness. It's difficult to imagine how one can go from being your best friend to a complete stranger and this was probably the most difficult thing for me to accept. I felt very regretful with my decision for a long time and I couldn't accept it.
One thing that I've learned throughout this process is that it's impossible to fight your feelings. It's normal to have lots of ups and downs and feel many different emotions, but it's important to realize that while these emotions may be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process. So just know that it's okay to feel sad, angry, betrayed or lonely, but remember and constantly remind yourself that it's all temporary. While it may feel like the pain is going to last forever, you have to simply give yourself time, because all healing takes time, so be patient with yourself.
One thing that I've learned throughout this process is that it's impossible to fight your feelings. It's normal to have lots of ups and downs and feel many different emotions, but it's important to realize that while these emotions may be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process. So just know that it's okay to feel sad, angry, betrayed or lonely, but remember and constantly remind yourself that it's all temporary. While it may feel like the pain is going to last forever, you have to simply give yourself time, because all healing takes time, so be patient with yourself.
*The more you hide your feelings, the more they show. The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow.
*The short term pain of accepting a truth is much better than the long term pain of believing an illusion.
2. Don't stop living your life.
When we are dealing with a loss, we often tend to isolate ourselves from the world and forget about things and the ones we love. It's difficult to accept the fact that it's over and that person is gone, but the reality is that they are and it's time to move on. Your life doesn't end because your relationship ended. Don't wind yourself up with endless questions of "whys" that can't be answered. There are so many questions I wished I could get the answers to, but I realized and accepted the fact that unfortunately I probably never will. Avoid over-analyzing the situation or getting stuck in feelings of blame, anger or resentment. While these feelings are normal, dwelling on them will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.
I personally struggled a lot with feelings of betrayal and self-blame, mostly because I wasn't confident in my decision and I didn't get the closure I'd hoped for. In the end, I told myself that this was the decision I made and I was going to stick to it and move forward, no matter how difficult because dwelling on the situation was only dragging me down. One of the most important things to do is to keep yourself busy. Alienating yourself from the world will only allow you to fall deeper into the rabbit hole. Keeping yourself busy will allow you to get your mind off the situation. Read a book (I highly recommend "The Secret" or "The Untethered Soul"), go out with your friends, let out some anger at the gym, meet new people, write a song, go for a drive. There are so many things that you could do that will not only get your mind off things but will also give you a sense of productivity and accomplishment, which will make you feel good about yourself. Again, it isn't easy, it's a process and it takes time, but the important thing to know is that you deserve to be happy and you must live your life in order to be able to do that.
I personally struggled a lot with feelings of betrayal and self-blame, mostly because I wasn't confident in my decision and I didn't get the closure I'd hoped for. In the end, I told myself that this was the decision I made and I was going to stick to it and move forward, no matter how difficult because dwelling on the situation was only dragging me down. One of the most important things to do is to keep yourself busy. Alienating yourself from the world will only allow you to fall deeper into the rabbit hole. Keeping yourself busy will allow you to get your mind off the situation. Read a book (I highly recommend "The Secret" or "The Untethered Soul"), go out with your friends, let out some anger at the gym, meet new people, write a song, go for a drive. There are so many things that you could do that will not only get your mind off things but will also give you a sense of productivity and accomplishment, which will make you feel good about yourself. Again, it isn't easy, it's a process and it takes time, but the important thing to know is that you deserve to be happy and you must live your life in order to be able to do that.
*You don't have to defend or explain your decisions to anyone. It's your life. Live it without apologies.
*Sometimes you don't get closure. You just move on.
3. Try to avoid contact.
Unless the breakup was a mutual decision and you have both found a way to remain friends, it may be best to avoid contact with one another for a reasonable amount of time. From my personal experience, trying to stay friends again too quickly isn't easy and usually doesn't work out the way you'd want it to. This is due to the fact that there are still strong feelings there, so seeing one another will bring back all those memories. For me, I was never confident in my decision so it was very easy to fall back into it. We stayed in touch with one another and I continuously reconsidered my decision and questioned whether or not it was the right one, but it didn't end well because eventually we stopped talking. I was overwhelmed with emotions and I didn't know what I wanted anymore, but I stuck to my decision and moved on. All this to say that you need to give yourself time to move beyond the romantic feelings. You need to give yourself realistic time to get over it, there needs to be a grieving period because there are no shortcuts when the relationship mattered to you. It's definitely easier said than done because this is someone that you spoke to and saw very often and now not at all, but it will make it easier in the long run, believe me.
It may also be a good idea to avoid their social media pages. It might be difficult to completely remove them as a friend, so you could instead block their posts from showing up on your feed. Believe me, the most difficult part is seeing the person you used to love live their life while you're no longer in it. Even more difficult and heartbreaking is seeing them with someone else. So do yourself and your heart a favor by avoiding their social media because it will be much easier when you stop seeing their name everywhere. And always keep in mind that people aren't all that they "post" to be ;).
It may also be a good idea to avoid their social media pages. It might be difficult to completely remove them as a friend, so you could instead block their posts from showing up on your feed. Believe me, the most difficult part is seeing the person you used to love live their life while you're no longer in it. Even more difficult and heartbreaking is seeing them with someone else. So do yourself and your heart a favor by avoiding their social media because it will be much easier when you stop seeing their name everywhere. And always keep in mind that people aren't all that they "post" to be ;).
*Don't let anyone control you, especially in their absence.
*Nothing lasts forever. Not even pain. 3 months from now, you will thank yourself.
4. Acting out isn't the answer.
They say that actions speak louder than words. Well, I've never believed this more than I do right now. Breakups are painful and can make people very bitter. I've never been the type of person to lash out after a breakup, no matter how mistreated I've felt because sometimes the best reaction is no reaction. So my best advice would be to avoid mean or spiteful behaviors because any satisfaction you may feel will be short lived. In the end, this sort of behavior will only make you feel worse, and you will probably regret it.
I have personally lived through many situations where people have tried to put me down by talking badly about me, and making me feel like I am inferior. I've come to realize that those type of people are nothing but threatened by you and sometimes it's just best to act like you don't care, even when you do. When people feel threatened by you, they feel the need to find something that is belittling, but that's their own issue. If they're trying to bring you down it only means that you are above them. In the end, just remember that if you have nothing nice to say, you need to re-evaluate your happiness. Don't act out and don't say or do things that you will regret because people aren't stupid, and they notice who is the bigger person in the situation. Be the bigger person.
I have personally lived through many situations where people have tried to put me down by talking badly about me, and making me feel like I am inferior. I've come to realize that those type of people are nothing but threatened by you and sometimes it's just best to act like you don't care, even when you do. When people feel threatened by you, they feel the need to find something that is belittling, but that's their own issue. If they're trying to bring you down it only means that you are above them. In the end, just remember that if you have nothing nice to say, you need to re-evaluate your happiness. Don't act out and don't say or do things that you will regret because people aren't stupid, and they notice who is the bigger person in the situation. Be the bigger person.
*You can't control how some people will treat you or what they'll say about you. But you can control how you react to it.
*You never look good trying to make someone else look bad.
5. Talk to someone.
One of the most valuable things in life is having a good support system. It has never been easy for me to open up to anyone. I'm very much closed off about my feelings and I've become so used to keeping it all to myself. I've always thought that sharing my feelings and being vulnerable was a sign of weakness and a call for attention. But throughout this process, it became very overwhelming for me to deal with and I came to a realization that I had to change my bad habit. I learned that if you don't talk about it, it can drive you insane.
When you're going through a breakup, you're dealing with a lot of different emotions and sometimes that's a lot to take on by yourself. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. For a long time, I avoided talking about my breakup and I think this was mainly because I didn't want to accept it until it all became too much for me to handle. Talk to a family member, a good friend or even a counsellor. Talking to people will allow you to see different perspectives to your situation and maybe understand it better. It may also help you realize and remind you why you made the decision.
When you're going through a breakup, you're dealing with a lot of different emotions and sometimes that's a lot to take on by yourself. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. For a long time, I avoided talking about my breakup and I think this was mainly because I didn't want to accept it until it all became too much for me to handle. Talk to a family member, a good friend or even a counsellor. Talking to people will allow you to see different perspectives to your situation and maybe understand it better. It may also help you realize and remind you why you made the decision.
*Hard times will always reveal true friends.
*A friend is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else.
All in all, breakups aren't easy. Don't beat youself up for being upset, and allow yourself to grieve because it's not easy, so it's okay to be emotional. After all, we don't just stop loving someone, we simply learn to live without them. Keep yourself busy and go out and do things you love because your life must go on. Try to avoid being friends too quickly or creeping their Facebook, you'll only be increasing the pain. Remember that acting out isn't the answer and you will probably regret it. And most importantly, talk to someone you confide in. You'll feel better venting and simply knowing you have someone there for you.
Being alone isn't all that bad. This is a good time for you to focus on yourself, meet new people and do things you love. Use this time to reflect on your personal life goals and commit to being the best version of yourself possile. Stay strong and be positive. It's all temporary, I promise.
Being alone isn't all that bad. This is a good time for you to focus on yourself, meet new people and do things you love. Use this time to reflect on your personal life goals and commit to being the best version of yourself possile. Stay strong and be positive. It's all temporary, I promise.
*Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself.
Carina, xo.
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